I cried today. It caught me by surprise. I came across this photo...

This is at my brother's house a year ago in January 08. Chris (with lots of help from my other bro Brad and Chris's then fiance Liz) decorated it with my grandparents' bar and assorted bar paraphenalia that that they had in their party room. They named it "Harry's bar" and brought Granddaddy over to see his bar with the next generation. They rushed the project because they wanted it done in time for him to see it. He was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor in fall of 07 and was failing rapidly.

May 10, 2008 he left our world and joined his Father in heaven.

I mourned his death, of course, but I also knew he was ready to go. He loved his family more than life itself, but he knew where he was going and that he would see all of us again. I knew that, too. So, though I missed him, I was okay.

And, then I came upon the pictures from my brother's blog. I clicked on the slide show and settled in for a trip down memory lane. It wasn't the first time that I've seen pics of him or anything- they're all around our houses. What got me was the thought that he never got to see my new house. And, then I lost it.

I don't think it's even that he didn't get to see the house as much as, in one split second, I realized all the things he wouldn't be there for... to be at my wedding, to see my children. He wouldn't be there to giggle at our Christmas shenanigans or our next huge family gathering.

I just really missed him all of a sudden. But, more than that, I missed what he wouldn't be able to be a part of in the future.




I miss you, Granddaddy. Until we meet again.

Guilt

Are you a guilty-type person? I think I've figured out I probably feel guilty about 20 or 30 times a day.

I feel guilty when...

• I realize I'm two days behind on my devos
• I use a plastic bag
• I throw away a plastic bag because it's broken (now i recycle those, too!)
• I complain about being broke when I'm making almost double what I made a year ago
• I leave my cat to go housesit
• I don't go to the gym even though I'm paying for it
• I drive my SUV to the store to buy one item on the list that I forgot (I should be organizing my shopping trips to conserve gas and energy- that's the environmentally friendly way, you know!)
• I'm late to church... or a dinner... or whatever I'm late to.
• I fall behind on grading... or planning... or anything related to my students'

just to name a few...

I know guilt can be both good and bad. It makes you aware of the ways you fall short, but I also know that this constant berating of myself isn't healthy. Can any of you perfectionists relate to this???

People always say that you don't know guilt until you're a mother. I'm not yet and I still seem to fight guilt at every turn! I must be doomed...

~hh

p.s. I'm actually not in a bad state right now. I'm pretty pleased with my life. It's just as I've been working on letting go of the perfect and working towards the acceptance of myself- faults and all, I've also become aware of the large amount of guilt I pile on myself!

they call me ms. personality...

So, I just took a personality test just to see what it tells me now... I have relatively the same results, but I switch between a few small items- i go from one side to the other depending on what's going on in my life. This one linked me to a description that fits me better than any test I've ever read... read on, my friends!

Guardian™ Portrait of the Provider (ESFJ)

Providers take it upon themselves to insure the health and welfare of those in their care, but they are also the most sociable of all the Guardians, and thus are the great nurturers of social institutions such as schools, churches, social clubs, and civic groups. Providers are very likely more than ten percent of the population, and this is fortunate for the rest of us, because friendly social service is a key to their nature. Wherever they go, Providers happily give their time and energy to make sure that the needs of others are met, and that social functions are a success.

Highly cooperative themselves, Providers are skilled in maintaining teamwork among their helpers, and are also tireless in their attention to the details of furnishing goods and services. They make excellent chairpersons in charge of dances, banquets, class reunions, charity fund-raisers, and the like. They are without peer as masters of ceremonies, able to speak publicly with ease and confidence. And they are outstanding hosts or hostesses, knowing everyone by name, and seemingly aware of what everyone's been doing. Providers love to entertain, and are always concerned about the needs of their guests, wanting to make sure that all are involved and provided for.

Friendly, outgoing, neighborly - in a word, Providers are gregarious, so much so that they can become restless when isolated from people. They love to talk with others, and will often strike up a conversation with strangers and chat pleasantly about any topic that comes to mind. Friendships matter a great deal to Providers, and their conversations with friends often touch on good times from years past. Family traditions are also sacred to them, and they carefully observe birthdays and anniversaries. In addition, Providers show a delightful fascination with news of their friends and neighbors. If we wish to know what's been going on in the local community, school, or church, they're happy to fill us in on all the details.

Providers are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which makes them perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also leaves them somewhat self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others think of them. Loving and affectionate themselves, they need to be loved in return. In fact, Providers can be crushed by personal criticism, and are happiest when given ample appreciation both for themselves personally and for the tireless service they give to others.

William Howard Taft, Barbara Walters, J C Penney, Ray Kroc, Louis B. Mayer, Sam Walton, Dolley Madison, and Dave Thomas are examples of Provider Guardians.

And, if you're still reading this, go here for a fun alternative view of describing your personality... it says that i am a control freak. (no surprise here!)

failure, part two

Well, there you have it. That failure that I fear so much it numbs me and I do nothing? I'm in it. And, in some ways, it's every bit as bad as I have imagined it to be. I'm scared to face the music- scared that people will reject my oh-so-flawed self. I know I have a rough school year ahead of me-- I'm going to have to work my butt off, get results, and even then, I probably still need a miracle to get where I need to be to be "successful".

But, you know what keeps running through my head? "my power is made perfect in your weakness..."

It's from one of my favorite verses, 2 Corinthians 12:9...

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Wow. When I fail, God's power becomes perfect. When I fall short, I learn to lean more on God and Christ has more room to reign his power in me. It gives me chills! How great is that? Here I am at my breaking point- literally crying to my mom about how I'm a failure, and yet God puts that verse before me.

This isn't anything new. I've heard this sermon time and time again, but, lately, God's been taking me back to the basics. He loves me... a lot. He's perfect, I'm not. I'm not so good without Him, but with Him- well, the sky's the limit.

I think I've always supported my quest for perfectionism with the reasoning that we should strive to be more Christlike... Christ is perfect, therefore I should be, too. But, what I'm seeing more and more is that my quest for perfection pushes God away rather than bringing Him closer.

It's something I should have learned a long time ago, but hey, I'm dense and stubborn, so I'm taking my time. It's time for me to stop being so afraid of God and everyone seeing the many cracks in my shell.

Captivating pg. 120

I read this last night and it really struck a chord with me...

Reading George MacDonald (apparently a poet- I don't know who he is!-hh) several years ago, I came across an astounding thought. You've probably heard that there is in every human heart a place that God alone can fill. (Lord knows we've tried to fill it with everything else, to our utter dismay.) But what the old poet was saying was that there is also in God's heart a place that you alone can fill. "It follows that there is also a chamber in God himself, into which none can enter but the one, the individual." You. You are meant to fill a place in the heart of God no one and nothing else can fill. Whoa. He longs for you.
You are the one that overwhelms his heart with just "one glance of your eyes" (Song 4:9b). You are the one he sings over with delight and longs to dance with across mountaintops and ballroom floors (Zeph. 3:17). You are the one who takes his breath away by your beautiful heart that, against all odds, hopes in him. Let that be true for a moment. Let it be true of you.
God wants to live this life together with you, to share in your days and decisions, your desires and dissapointments. He wants intimacy with you in the midst of the madness and the mundane, the meetings and memos, the laundry and lists, the carpools and conversations, and the projects and pain. He wants to pour his love into your heart and he longs to have you pour yours into him. He wants your deep heart, that center place within that is the truest you. He is not interested in intimacy with the woman you think you are supposed to be. He wants intimacy with the real you.

Okay, so I read this feeling so incredibly hopeful and yet at the same time a bit creeped out. The God of the universe loves me... like that? This section just stuck with me. Yes, I know God loves me, of course, but this is different. This is passion and yearning. The idea that God feels that for me with all my failings just blows my mind.
How different would my life be if I truly believed this? It just gave me a lot of food for thought. I think sometimes I put space in between me and everybody- including Him- because I don't want people to see my failings. It's a mix of pride and fear and all sorts of other things, but it's something I have GOT to get over.

confessions of a perfectionist...

I like everything to be perfect. Everything. Me, my apartment, my job, my friends. I like it the way I want it. Which, naturally, causes a multitude of problems. Earlier this month, I finished the hardest semester of school I've ever had. The material was brand new and challenged a lot of my previous philosophies of teaching. The professor was wonderful, but demanding. In a life already filled with a full time job, family, and friends, I was trying to be the perfect student, too. There were times when I failed at all of it miserably.

fears...

I would probably consider myself a fearful person. I've come a long way in 26 years, but I really feel like I have a long way to go.

I was terrified of heights. So, I set out to go on every roller coaster in Six Flags. I jumped off a 32 foot cliff. I went on a canopy tour hundreds (or thousands?) of feet above ground. Many of these things scared the crap out of me, and yet, I did it anyways.

I was scared of being alone. So, I started out housesitting at other peoples
houses and then, this year, moved in by myself. It scared me, but I did it anyways. It doesn't scare me anyore.

But, I still deal with my biggest fear on a daily basis. And, I don't know how to get through it. And, to be frank, I'm not even quite sure what exactly it is I'm afraid of. For a while, I thought I was scared of failure. And, to a point, I am. I am a perfectionist. I like to do things just right. And, when I don't think it's going to be perfect, I completely shut down. The more important the task, the worse it gets. But, it's not just this. I think my biggest fear is a fear of myself. I work hard to be the best teacher, the best student, the best daughter, the best Christian, the best anything... that I can be. And, then, without fail, I fall short. So, what then? I'm terrified for people to see me as less than the best. I know that they know that I am not perfect, but I think, too often, I refuse to show them that side of me. It's almost like I see so much wrong with myself that I can't handle the thought of anyone else seeing them, too. Am I alone in this? I don't know why, but this year, this has been crippling for me. This fear of being found out, exposed for all of my many faults.

So, where do I go from here? I honestly think just admitting this is a baby step, but I know I need to move forward. Ijust don't know how. I always thought I was pretty real. My humor tends to be self-deprecating, but I think that's just one more self-defense mechanism. If I acknowledge my faults first, maybe it won't hurt as much if they notice them, too.

to risk or not to risk?

If you don't already know, I'm a good student. I don't say this to brag, it's just a fact. I like school- it just fits me. It's also always come pretty easy to me. I made great grades in college and, in retrospect, although I worked to get the grades I did, I probably wasn't challenged all that much. School's always come pretty easy to me.

I started grad school (again! third time's the charm, right???) this past week. I found a great, affordable program in Gifted Education through Hardin Simmons. It just fit with everything I wanted and, because it relates to my current teaching position, it will be almost completely paid for by my school district. (That's always exciting!) It's kind of a strange program- you meet a total of five times throughout the semester. It starts at 4:30 on Friday and runs till 8:30 that night. The next morning, we're back at 8:30 and in class until 12:30. I'm taking two classes, though, so it works out to be about two to three times a month until the end of April.

So, I had my first class last weekend and was feeling fine. It's just one of those classes that I know I will excel at. No worries.

This weekend, I attended the other class I am taking. This one is a completely different story. This class will probably be one of the most challenging courses I have ever taken in my life. It scared the crap out of me. It made me realize just how much of my life I have played safe. Don't get me wrong- I don't have regrets. I'm happy with the choices I've made in my life, even if they were stupid. Every choice makes up who I am, and I'm okay with that.

But, dang, if a hard class puts me in tailspin, I need to take some more risks! :)

So, my goal for the next few months is to try my best to get over my fear of failure and take some risks. Whether it be in love, friendships, school, or life in general, that's my goal. I have to get over myself and move on- I have no regrets now, and I'd like it to stay that way for the future!

update

Do you ever feel like you closed your eyes and three months flew by? This summer's been one of the hardest I've ever had. Here's a quick rundown of "How I Spent my Summer Vacation".

Late May/Early June- Move out of apartment with Beth, move into parents house
June- director of summer camp, threw huge anniversary party for the parents, run away to Louisiana for a few days
July- School, school, school! Month long intensive writing class for teachers. Oh, yeah, and I decided to move in to the new apartment in the middle of that.
August 1- Found out I lost my job
August 1-16- Frantically looking for job/Move out of old classroom
August 17- Hired!
August 18- Start work full time! Move into new classroom

It was a crazy summer full of trials, stress, and yes, some very good moments. It's now mid-September and I am just now feeling like I actually live in my apartment. This past week, I got satellite and internet! Yeah! I also had a maintenance guy come check out the washing machine that decided it didn't need to work upon moving into said new place. It's still not fixed yet, so I am just praising God that I am a clotheshorse! ;)

I'm coming along with the job transition. I really like where I work, but my heart was with St. Alban's. It's hard to just let go of that. The kids are great, though, and that definitely helps.

I had my first breakdown of the year, though. One of the kids was being a stinker and making me quite cranky. Finally, I got fed up and had him put his notebook on my desk for me to sign. (It's essentially a bad note home.) He was really upset, but did as he was told. The next period, he didn't have his homework in math class. When the teacher asked why, he told the teacher it was because he and his dad had slept in their truck. My heart broke. St. Alban's was not by any means a rich school, but I never worried about my kiddos not having a place to stay at night. At my new school, that's a totally different story. The majority are living paycheck to paycheck and not always making it.

It makes me once again realize how lucky I was these past two years. My salary at STA was small- I qualified for section 8 housing- but I always made it. I did heavily count on my savings, but I didn't get overrun with debt. Furthermore, I skipped a paycheck this month and survived! Now, granted, I now have to rebuild my savings, but still! I did it!

That's it for now.