Saturday, July 5, 2008

they call me ms. personality...

So, I just took a personality test just to see what it tells me now... I have relatively the same results, but I switch between a few small items- i go from one side to the other depending on what's going on in my life. This one linked me to a description that fits me better than any test I've ever read... read on, my friends!

Guardian™ Portrait of the Provider (ESFJ)

Providers take it upon themselves to insure the health and welfare of those in their care, but they are also the most sociable of all the Guardians, and thus are the great nurturers of social institutions such as schools, churches, social clubs, and civic groups. Providers are very likely more than ten percent of the population, and this is fortunate for the rest of us, because friendly social service is a key to their nature. Wherever they go, Providers happily give their time and energy to make sure that the needs of others are met, and that social functions are a success.

Highly cooperative themselves, Providers are skilled in maintaining teamwork among their helpers, and are also tireless in their attention to the details of furnishing goods and services. They make excellent chairpersons in charge of dances, banquets, class reunions, charity fund-raisers, and the like. They are without peer as masters of ceremonies, able to speak publicly with ease and confidence. And they are outstanding hosts or hostesses, knowing everyone by name, and seemingly aware of what everyone's been doing. Providers love to entertain, and are always concerned about the needs of their guests, wanting to make sure that all are involved and provided for.

Friendly, outgoing, neighborly - in a word, Providers are gregarious, so much so that they can become restless when isolated from people. They love to talk with others, and will often strike up a conversation with strangers and chat pleasantly about any topic that comes to mind. Friendships matter a great deal to Providers, and their conversations with friends often touch on good times from years past. Family traditions are also sacred to them, and they carefully observe birthdays and anniversaries. In addition, Providers show a delightful fascination with news of their friends and neighbors. If we wish to know what's been going on in the local community, school, or church, they're happy to fill us in on all the details.

Providers are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which makes them perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also leaves them somewhat self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others think of them. Loving and affectionate themselves, they need to be loved in return. In fact, Providers can be crushed by personal criticism, and are happiest when given ample appreciation both for themselves personally and for the tireless service they give to others.

William Howard Taft, Barbara Walters, J C Penney, Ray Kroc, Louis B. Mayer, Sam Walton, Dolley Madison, and Dave Thomas are examples of Provider Guardians.

And, if you're still reading this, go here for a fun alternative view of describing your personality... it says that i am a control freak. (no surprise here!)

Friday, June 27, 2008

failure, part two


Well, there you have it. That failure that I fear so much it numbs me and I do nothing? I'm in it. And, in some ways, it's every bit as bad as I have imagined it to be. I'm scared to face the music- scared that people will reject my oh-so-flawed self. I know I have a rough school year ahead of me-- I'm going to have to work my butt off, get results, and even then, I probably still need a miracle to get where I need to be to be "successful".

But, you know what keeps running through my head? "my power is made perfect in your weakness..."

It's from one of my favorite verses, 2 Corinthians 12:9...

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Wow. When I fail, God's power becomes perfect. When I fall short, I learn to lean more on God and Christ has more room to reign his power in me. It gives me chills! How great is that? Here I am at my breaking point- literally crying to my mom about how I'm a failure, and yet God puts that verse before me.

This isn't anything new. I've heard this sermon time and time again, but, lately, God's been taking me back to the basics. He loves me... a lot. He's perfect, I'm not. I'm not so good without Him, but with Him- well, the sky's the limit.

I think I've always supported my quest for perfectionism with the reasoning that we should strive to be more Christlike... Christ is perfect, therefore I should be, too. But, what I'm seeing more and more is that my quest for perfection pushes God away rather than bringing Him closer.

It's something I should have learned a long time ago, but hey, I'm dense and stubborn, so I'm taking my time. It's time for me to stop being so afraid of God and everyone seeing the many cracks in my shell.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Captivating pg. 120

I read this last night and it really struck a chord with me...

Reading George MacDonald (apparently a poet- I don't know who he is!-hh) several years ago, I came across an astounding thought. You've probably heard that there is in every human heart a place that God alone can fill. (Lord knows we've tried to fill it with everything else, to our utter dismay.) But what the old poet was saying was that there is also in God's heart a place that you alone can fill. "It follows that there is also a chamber in God himself, into which none can enter but the one, the individual." You. You are meant to fill a place in the heart of God no one and nothing else can fill. Whoa. He longs for you.
You are the one that overwhelms his heart with just "one glance of your eyes" (Song 4:9b). You are the one he sings over with delight and longs to dance with across mountaintops and ballroom floors (Zeph. 3:17). You are the one who takes his breath away by your beautiful heart that, against all odds, hopes in him. Let that be true for a moment. Let it be true of you.
God wants to live this life together with you, to share in your days and decisions, your desires and dissapointments. He wants intimacy with you in the midst of the madness and the mundane, the meetings and memos, the laundry and lists, the carpools and conversations, and the projects and pain. He wants to pour his love into your heart and he longs to have you pour yours into him. He wants your deep heart, that center place within that is the truest you. He is not interested in intimacy with the woman you think you are supposed to be. He wants intimacy with the real you.

Okay, so I read this feeling so incredibly hopeful and yet at the same time a bit creeped out. The God of the universe loves me... like that? This section just stuck with me. Yes, I know God loves me, of course, but this is different. This is passion and yearning. The idea that God feels that for me with all my failings just blows my mind.
How different would my life be if I truly believed this? It just gave me a lot of food for thought. I think sometimes I put space in between me and everybody- including Him- because I don't want people to see my failings. It's a mix of pride and fear and all sorts of other things, but it's something I have GOT to get over.

Monday, May 26, 2008

confessions of a perfectionist...

I like everything to be perfect. Everything. Me, my apartment, my job, my friends. I like it the way I want it. Which, naturally, causes a multitude of problems. Earlier this month, I finished the hardest semester of school I've ever had. The material was brand new and challenged a lot of my previous philosophies of teaching. The professor was wonderful, but demanding. In a life already filled with a full time job, family, and friends, I was trying to be the perfect student, too. There were times when I failed at all of it miserably.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

fears...

I would probably consider myself a fearful person. I've come a long way in 26 years, but I really feel like I have a long way to go.

I was terrified of heights. So, I set out to go on every roller coaster in Six Flags. I jumped off a 32 foot cliff. I went on a canopy tour hundreds (or thousands?) of feet above ground. Many of these things scared the crap out of me, and yet, I did it anyways.

I was scared of being alone. So, I started out housesitting at other peoples
houses and then, this year, moved in by myself. It scared me, but I did it anyways. It doesn't scare me anyore.

But, I still deal with my biggest fear on a daily basis. And, I don't know how to get through it. And, to be frank, I'm not even quite sure what exactly it is I'm afraid of. For a while, I thought I was scared of failure. And, to a point, I am. I am a perfectionist. I like to do things just right. And, when I don't think it's going to be perfect, I completely shut down. The more important the task, the worse it gets. But, it's not just this. I think my biggest fear is a fear of myself. I work hard to be the best teacher, the best student, the best daughter, the best Christian, the best anything... that I can be. And, then, without fail, I fall short. So, what then? I'm terrified for people to see me as less than the best. I know that they know that I am not perfect, but I think, too often, I refuse to show them that side of me. It's almost like I see so much wrong with myself that I can't handle the thought of anyone else seeing them, too. Am I alone in this? I don't know why, but this year, this has been crippling for me. This fear of being found out, exposed for all of my many faults.

So, where do I go from here? I honestly think just admitting this is a baby step, but I know I need to move forward. Ijust don't know how. I always thought I was pretty real. My humor tends to be self-deprecating, but I think that's just one more self-defense mechanism. If I acknowledge my faults first, maybe it won't hurt as much if they notice them, too.

Friday, March 21, 2008

how i spent my spring break...


this is what my closet currently looks like in preparation for this years wedding season...
On Wednesday, I shopped and shopped and found presents for almost all of the weddings and showers I have coming up. I should only need to pick up two or three more gifts which is awesome. I went ahead and wrapped everything up today because I know how busy I have been this spring, and it doesn't look like it's getting less busy any time soon!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Spring Break

Things I've done this week:
  • Spent time with wonderful people
  • Bought a heckofalotta wedding/bridal shower presents
  • met new people
  • created an awesome desert
  • discovered that homemade tortilla chips kick store bought chips butt! :)
  • work on my group project

Things I've not done this week: (hopefully yet!)

  • grade papers
  • read my textbooks
  • work on my (2) individual projects
  • find the missing w-2 form
  • clean my house
  • get my oil changed
  • do my lesson plans for next week
  • do laundry

So, yeah, fun week, but quite unproductive. Here's hoping I am magically productive this weekend! :)