Wednesday, March 26, 2008


I would probably consider myself a fearful person. I've come a long way in 26 years, but I really feel like I have a long way to go.

I was terrified of heights. So, I set out to go on every roller coaster in Six Flags. I jumped off a 32 foot cliff. I went on a canopy tour hundreds (or thousands?) of feet above ground. Many of these things scared the crap out of me, and yet, I did it anyways.

I was scared of being alone. So, I started out housesitting at other peoples
houses and then, this year, moved in by myself. It scared me, but I did it anyways. It doesn't scare me anyore.

But, I still deal with my biggest fear on a daily basis. And, I don't know how to get through it. And, to be frank, I'm not even quite sure what exactly it is I'm afraid of. For a while, I thought I was scared of failure. And, to a point, I am. I am a perfectionist. I like to do things just right. And, when I don't think it's going to be perfect, I completely shut down. The more important the task, the worse it gets. But, it's not just this. I think my biggest fear is a fear of myself. I work hard to be the best teacher, the best student, the best daughter, the best Christian, the best anything... that I can be. And, then, without fail, I fall short. So, what then? I'm terrified for people to see me as less than the best. I know that they know that I am not perfect, but I think, too often, I refuse to show them that side of me. It's almost like I see so much wrong with myself that I can't handle the thought of anyone else seeing them, too. Am I alone in this? I don't know why, but this year, this has been crippling for me. This fear of being found out, exposed for all of my many faults.

So, where do I go from here? I honestly think just admitting this is a baby step, but I know I need to move forward. Ijust don't know how. I always thought I was pretty real. My humor tends to be self-deprecating, but I think that's just one more self-defense mechanism. If I acknowledge my faults first, maybe it won't hurt as much if they notice them, too.

Friday, March 21, 2008

how i spent my spring break...

this is what my closet currently looks like in preparation for this years wedding season...
On Wednesday, I shopped and shopped and found presents for almost all of the weddings and showers I have coming up. I should only need to pick up two or three more gifts which is awesome. I went ahead and wrapped everything up today because I know how busy I have been this spring, and it doesn't look like it's getting less busy any time soon!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Spring Break

Things I've done this week:
  • Spent time with wonderful people
  • Bought a heckofalotta wedding/bridal shower presents
  • met new people
  • created an awesome desert
  • discovered that homemade tortilla chips kick store bought chips butt! :)
  • work on my group project

Things I've not done this week: (hopefully yet!)

  • grade papers
  • read my textbooks
  • work on my (2) individual projects
  • find the missing w-2 form
  • clean my house
  • get my oil changed
  • do my lesson plans for next week
  • do laundry

So, yeah, fun week, but quite unproductive. Here's hoping I am magically productive this weekend! :)