Friday, June 27, 2008

failure, part two

Well, there you have it. That failure that I fear so much it numbs me and I do nothing? I'm in it. And, in some ways, it's every bit as bad as I have imagined it to be. I'm scared to face the music- scared that people will reject my oh-so-flawed self. I know I have a rough school year ahead of me-- I'm going to have to work my butt off, get results, and even then, I probably still need a miracle to get where I need to be to be "successful".

But, you know what keeps running through my head? "my power is made perfect in your weakness..."

It's from one of my favorite verses, 2 Corinthians 12:9...

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Wow. When I fail, God's power becomes perfect. When I fall short, I learn to lean more on God and Christ has more room to reign his power in me. It gives me chills! How great is that? Here I am at my breaking point- literally crying to my mom about how I'm a failure, and yet God puts that verse before me.

This isn't anything new. I've heard this sermon time and time again, but, lately, God's been taking me back to the basics. He loves me... a lot. He's perfect, I'm not. I'm not so good without Him, but with Him- well, the sky's the limit.

I think I've always supported my quest for perfectionism with the reasoning that we should strive to be more Christlike... Christ is perfect, therefore I should be, too. But, what I'm seeing more and more is that my quest for perfection pushes God away rather than bringing Him closer.

It's something I should have learned a long time ago, but hey, I'm dense and stubborn, so I'm taking my time. It's time for me to stop being so afraid of God and everyone seeing the many cracks in my shell.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Captivating pg. 120

I read this last night and it really struck a chord with me...

Reading George MacDonald (apparently a poet- I don't know who he is!-hh) several years ago, I came across an astounding thought. You've probably heard that there is in every human heart a place that God alone can fill. (Lord knows we've tried to fill it with everything else, to our utter dismay.) But what the old poet was saying was that there is also in God's heart a place that you alone can fill. "It follows that there is also a chamber in God himself, into which none can enter but the one, the individual." You. You are meant to fill a place in the heart of God no one and nothing else can fill. Whoa. He longs for you.
You are the one that overwhelms his heart with just "one glance of your eyes" (Song 4:9b). You are the one he sings over with delight and longs to dance with across mountaintops and ballroom floors (Zeph. 3:17). You are the one who takes his breath away by your beautiful heart that, against all odds, hopes in him. Let that be true for a moment. Let it be true of you.
God wants to live this life together with you, to share in your days and decisions, your desires and dissapointments. He wants intimacy with you in the midst of the madness and the mundane, the meetings and memos, the laundry and lists, the carpools and conversations, and the projects and pain. He wants to pour his love into your heart and he longs to have you pour yours into him. He wants your deep heart, that center place within that is the truest you. He is not interested in intimacy with the woman you think you are supposed to be. He wants intimacy with the real you.

Okay, so I read this feeling so incredibly hopeful and yet at the same time a bit creeped out. The God of the universe loves me... like that? This section just stuck with me. Yes, I know God loves me, of course, but this is different. This is passion and yearning. The idea that God feels that for me with all my failings just blows my mind.
How different would my life be if I truly believed this? It just gave me a lot of food for thought. I think sometimes I put space in between me and everybody- including Him- because I don't want people to see my failings. It's a mix of pride and fear and all sorts of other things, but it's something I have GOT to get over.